Friday, February 22, 2013
Well today is another day, I will struggle through it and I will survive it, because I am strong. Is just surviving from day to day all there is for me? I hope and dream of a life with less stress and more peace. A life that I can final be myself, be accepted and be loved as my true self. A life where the people that I love and care about love me for who I really am. I want to feel loved, secure, and peaceful. I want to view tomorrow as bright blessed day not a gloom filled day that I must act a certain way to survive then repeat the next day. Is that wrong of me to wish for such things? An outsider would see my current life as almost idealistic. So, does that make my hopes of changing this life a selfish need? I do know, I do not want to hurt or upset anyone I care about but at the same time I must look out for my own happiness. Dr. Seuss wrote, “Life is a great balancing act” in his book, “O the place you will go”. It is days like today that I feel I am not doing a good job at balancing my life.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Life Update
Life is hellish these days!
I am a 47 years old transgendered person, “male to female”. I became aware that I am transgender about 5 years ago. I have struggled with gender related issues all my life but had no idea what it was. Now I know, but now I find it very difficult to make any progress in my treatment.
Today I find myself unemployed, and actively looking for work every day but so far nothing. Do I look for work in my male presentation or my female self?
I have stopped my therapy, I have stopped my electrolysis, and I have stopped seeing my doctors for lack of money.
My wife is supporting our family. She has made it very clear that she only loves the male part of me. I love her more than words can say but it kills me to know she does not love the real me. We have a 6 year old son who I love very much, he is my shadow, following me around and coping everything I do. One of my biggest joys in life is spending time with him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I am fearful that transitioning will scar him.
I am a very spiritual person, I know there is a God and he loves me. What I don’t know is where I go from here! It seems my choices are very bleak.
Right now I am very masculine in my presentation; to past I am going to need of a lot of work; i.e. hrt, laser hair removal, more electrolysis, surgeries FFS GRS Augmentation etc., all of which take money lots of money from what I understand.
If I could afford to move forward with my transition my wife will divorce me, take away my son, and I will possible be living on the street.
If I don’t continue to transition, the pressure of living a lie and keeping my true self buried is building and building inside me making each day harder than the day before. I don’t how much more I can survive. When I look at living the rest of my life not being my true self it looks bleaker and bleaker.
God what am I supposed to do?
APA Revises Manual: Being Transgender Is No Longer A Mental Disorder
APA Revises Manual: Being Transgender Is No Longer A Mental Disorder: pThis Saturday, the American Psychiatric Association board of trustees approved the latest proposed revisions to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, what will now be known as the DSM-5. This marks a historic milestone for people who are transgender and gender non-conforming, as their identities are no longer classified as a mental disorder. [...]/p
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Saturday, November 20, 2010
First Trip to the Electrolysis
I had my first electrolysis treatment last week. The tech was very sweet to me; I think she could tell that I was quite nervous. She explained to me how the procedure worked and that we could stop at any time. It did not hurt as much as I thought it would. My session lasted about an hour. The biggest disappointment came when the tech told me it would take about a year to get rid of all my facial hair. Inside I just wanted to cry, I want it all gone now, no I wanted it all gone twenty years ago, but I have wanted this long what is one more year. I am eagerly looking forward to my next session, with each session I am taking a step closer to being the person I am meant to be.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Lack of Support
How do you deal with lack of support? I attend a support group for a short time until the program ran out of funding. I live in a very conservative area and moving is not an option. For me I have started writing which has helped some. I am so tried of justifying how I feel on the inside to those that are suppose to be my support network. Since I have come out to my closest family and friends, I have gotten bombarded with question like, “How do you know you are transsexual?”, “You are being selfish, think of (fill in the blank here)”, “How do you know your life will be better after you complete your transition?”, “If you go through with this I want nothing more to do with you”, “If you do this you are damming your soul to hell forever”. I just want say thanks for the support.
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