Thursday, February 21, 2013

Life Update

Life is hellish these days! I am a 47 years old transgendered person, “male to female”. I became aware that I am transgender about 5 years ago. I have struggled with gender related issues all my life but had no idea what it was. Now I know, but now I find it very difficult to make any progress in my treatment. Today I find myself unemployed, and actively looking for work every day but so far nothing. Do I look for work in my male presentation or my female self? I have stopped my therapy, I have stopped my electrolysis, and I have stopped seeing my doctors for lack of money. My wife is supporting our family. She has made it very clear that she only loves the male part of me. I love her more than words can say but it kills me to know she does not love the real me. We have a 6 year old son who I love very much, he is my shadow, following me around and coping everything I do. One of my biggest joys in life is spending time with him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I am fearful that transitioning will scar him. I am a very spiritual person, I know there is a God and he loves me. What I don’t know is where I go from here! It seems my choices are very bleak. Right now I am very masculine in my presentation; to past I am going to need of a lot of work; i.e. hrt, laser hair removal, more electrolysis, surgeries FFS GRS Augmentation etc., all of which take money lots of money from what I understand. If I could afford to move forward with my transition my wife will divorce me, take away my son, and I will possible be living on the street. If I don’t continue to transition, the pressure of living a lie and keeping my true self buried is building and building inside me making each day harder than the day before. I don’t how much more I can survive. When I look at living the rest of my life not being my true self it looks bleaker and bleaker. God what am I supposed to do?

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