Saturday, November 20, 2010

First Trip to the Electrolysis

I had my first electrolysis treatment last week. The tech was very sweet to me; I think she could tell that I was quite nervous. She explained to me how the procedure worked and that we could stop at any time. It did not hurt as much as I thought it would. My session lasted about an hour. The biggest disappointment came when the tech told me it would take about a year to get rid of all my facial hair. Inside I just wanted to cry, I want it all gone now, no I wanted it all gone twenty years ago, but I have wanted this long what is one more year. I am eagerly looking forward to my next session, with each session I am taking a step closer to being the person I am meant to be.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Lack of Support

How do you deal with lack of support? I attend a support group for a short time until the program ran out of funding. I live in a very conservative area and moving is not an option. For me I have started writing which has helped some. I am so tried of justifying how I feel on the inside to those that are suppose to be my support network. Since I have come out to my closest family and friends, I have gotten bombarded with question like, “How do you know you are transsexual?”, “You are being selfish, think of (fill in the blank here)”, “How do you know your life will be better after you complete your transition?”, “If you go through with this I want nothing more to do with you”, “If you do this you are damming your soul to hell forever”. I just want say thanks for the support.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Shame and Embarrassment

After being in therapy over 6 years dealing with gender I should not feel ashamed about being Trans. But I do, for some reason for which I can not explain I am still embarrassed and ashamed of it at times. Which makes no logic sense to me; I now understand I was born this way. Logically I should feel no more shame than a person who is born with only one leg or any other birth defect.
When I go out I am always so careful not to be read, I just want to blend in and be treated like any other woman. It makes me feel like I am a criminal on the look out afraid somebody is going to find my secret out, expose me as fraudulent woman and whisk me off to gender jail to spend all of eternity for my horrible crime. I know that is silly and ridiculous but that’s how I feel from time to time. Is that crazy or what I should know better?

Monday, November 1, 2010

A day of firsts

Today I went to a nail salon and had my very first pedicure. I was very scared and I had to muster up all the nerve I had to do it. As it turns out there was nothing to be afraid of. Everybody in the salon treated me nice. My anxiety drop and I relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to my next trip to the nail salon.
Also, today I made my first appointment with an Electrologist for two weeks from now. I am very nervous about this; questions keep running through my head, how much will it hurt? Can I afford to finish what I start? How long will it take? Will it scar my skin? For now I guess time will tell.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

To transition or to not transition is the question

My earliest memories in this life were of feeling like I was in the wrong body. All of my life I have wanted to be female. Seems rather a simple statement to write, but if it is such an easy statement why has it taken 45 years for me to get to the point that I can bring myself to write it down?
I struggle everyday with the question, to transition or not? There are so many factors to consider. I just want to be at peace, in my own head, I am tired of the incongruence between my head and my body. The answer would seem to be easy, I need to transition, but it is not that simple for me. The reality is if I do transition I will bring all of my family and friends along for the ride whether they want come along or not.
Factors I must consider is my marriage to my wife, whom I am very much still in love with. Will she leave me? What about my four year old son? My son adores me, follows me around, and mimics everything I do. Will I lose getting to see him every day? Will he lose having a positive male role model in his life? Will he be teased and bullied growing up with trans-father? Will I lose my job? How will I pay for transition without a job, huh how will I pay for it with a job, health insurance will not cover it. Am I health enough to survive it?
In addition, I live in an ultra-conservative state. I grow up here my family and friends live here; so moving is not an option for me. In the past trans-people have been assaulted even murdered here, will I be putting myself in harm’s way? Will I have put my family in harm’s way?
Will I ever be passable? I have a large masculine body, deep voice, and lumbering walk. I worry that I will never pass as a natural woman. Just how much can surgery and hormones change? That feeds into my dilemma if I will never be passable then what have I gained by transition?
All I know is that I feel like I am living my life in gender HELL. I can fake acting like the typical male with the best of them but it feels wrong like an act. All the while I must keep repressing my inner true self who wants to be expressed but does not know how. All I want is to be genuinely feminine to be loved and to love, to live in peace the rest of my days.

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