Today I went to a nail salon and had my very first pedicure. I was very scared and I had to muster up all the nerve I had to do it. As it turns out there was nothing to be afraid of. Everybody in the salon treated me nice. My anxiety drop and I relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to my next trip to the nail salon.
Also, today I made my first appointment with an Electrologist for two weeks from now. I am very nervous about this; questions keep running through my head, how much will it hurt? Can I afford to finish what I start? How long will it take? Will it scar my skin? For now I guess time will tell.
Showing posts with label male to female. Show all posts
Showing posts with label male to female. Show all posts
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
To transition or to not transition is the question
My earliest memories in this life were of feeling like I was in the wrong body. All of my life I have wanted to be female. Seems rather a simple statement to write, but if it is such an easy statement why has it taken 45 years for me to get to the point that I can bring myself to write it down?
I struggle everyday with the question, to transition or not? There are so many factors to consider. I just want to be at peace, in my own head, I am tired of the incongruence between my head and my body. The answer would seem to be easy, I need to transition, but it is not that simple for me. The reality is if I do transition I will bring all of my family and friends along for the ride whether they want come along or not.
Factors I must consider is my marriage to my wife, whom I am very much still in love with. Will she leave me? What about my four year old son? My son adores me, follows me around, and mimics everything I do. Will I lose getting to see him every day? Will he lose having a positive male role model in his life? Will he be teased and bullied growing up with trans-father? Will I lose my job? How will I pay for transition without a job, huh how will I pay for it with a job, health insurance will not cover it. Am I health enough to survive it?
In addition, I live in an ultra-conservative state. I grow up here my family and friends live here; so moving is not an option for me. In the past trans-people have been assaulted even murdered here, will I be putting myself in harm’s way? Will I have put my family in harm’s way?
Will I ever be passable? I have a large masculine body, deep voice, and lumbering walk. I worry that I will never pass as a natural woman. Just how much can surgery and hormones change? That feeds into my dilemma if I will never be passable then what have I gained by transition?
All I know is that I feel like I am living my life in gender HELL. I can fake acting like the typical male with the best of them but it feels wrong like an act. All the while I must keep repressing my inner true self who wants to be expressed but does not know how. All I want is to be genuinely feminine to be loved and to love, to live in peace the rest of my days.
I struggle everyday with the question, to transition or not? There are so many factors to consider. I just want to be at peace, in my own head, I am tired of the incongruence between my head and my body. The answer would seem to be easy, I need to transition, but it is not that simple for me. The reality is if I do transition I will bring all of my family and friends along for the ride whether they want come along or not.
Factors I must consider is my marriage to my wife, whom I am very much still in love with. Will she leave me? What about my four year old son? My son adores me, follows me around, and mimics everything I do. Will I lose getting to see him every day? Will he lose having a positive male role model in his life? Will he be teased and bullied growing up with trans-father? Will I lose my job? How will I pay for transition without a job, huh how will I pay for it with a job, health insurance will not cover it. Am I health enough to survive it?
In addition, I live in an ultra-conservative state. I grow up here my family and friends live here; so moving is not an option for me. In the past trans-people have been assaulted even murdered here, will I be putting myself in harm’s way? Will I have put my family in harm’s way?
Will I ever be passable? I have a large masculine body, deep voice, and lumbering walk. I worry that I will never pass as a natural woman. Just how much can surgery and hormones change? That feeds into my dilemma if I will never be passable then what have I gained by transition?
All I know is that I feel like I am living my life in gender HELL. I can fake acting like the typical male with the best of them but it feels wrong like an act. All the while I must keep repressing my inner true self who wants to be expressed but does not know how. All I want is to be genuinely feminine to be loved and to love, to live in peace the rest of my days.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Why are transsexuals so hated?
Why are transsexuals so hated?
(Especially, by the conservative right?)
What have transsexual done to merit such scorn?
I am a transsexual myself (M to F), I didn't ask for this. I have tried every thing to make my gender dsyphoria go away, nothing worked. The only thing that has brought me a small measure of peace was accepting that I was born this way. I was born with a female brain trapped inside a male body. So each day I wake up and try to be the best person I can be, I mind my own business, I work hard, I pray to god and I love my family. But everyday that I step out of my house as my true self, I get rude comments, snickers, pointing, looking at me, threats and more, where ever I go. And if that is not enough to put up with, try looking for a new job as a transexual?
Since I came out as my true self I have been fired, and not rehired for any job not even one I am over qualified for. Why?
Is it to much to expect, to make a living and live my life in peace in 2009, I mean sometimes I feel like I am living in the 1950s.
(Especially, by the conservative right?)
What have transsexual done to merit such scorn?
I am a transsexual myself (M to F), I didn't ask for this. I have tried every thing to make my gender dsyphoria go away, nothing worked. The only thing that has brought me a small measure of peace was accepting that I was born this way. I was born with a female brain trapped inside a male body. So each day I wake up and try to be the best person I can be, I mind my own business, I work hard, I pray to god and I love my family. But everyday that I step out of my house as my true self, I get rude comments, snickers, pointing, looking at me, threats and more, where ever I go. And if that is not enough to put up with, try looking for a new job as a transexual?
Since I came out as my true self I have been fired, and not rehired for any job not even one I am over qualified for. Why?
Is it to much to expect, to make a living and live my life in peace in 2009, I mean sometimes I feel like I am living in the 1950s.
Monday, December 15, 2008
How do you explain transsexualism to non transsexual people?
I have started slowly coming out to close friends and family. But as I do they keep asking me the same themed questions asked over and over again.
"How do you know you are a transsexual?"
"Whats makes you think you are a transsexual?"
"What do you think you can do as a women that you can't do as a man?"
"I just don't understand."
"You are too masculine you will never pass as a woman so why try?"
I know I am a woman on the inside, and I try to tell them it is about me making my outside match my inside. But that is not clearing it up for then they are still confused. I believe they mean no disrespect, they just want to understand. So they keep asking the same themed questions over and over. I feel I must not be explaining it clear enough.
Is this typical for people who are coming out? Or are my friends and family being to nosy? Does anybody have a good simple answer to help me explain what I am going through to non transsexual people?
"How do you know you are a transsexual?"
"Whats makes you think you are a transsexual?"
"What do you think you can do as a women that you can't do as a man?"
"I just don't understand."
"You are too masculine you will never pass as a woman so why try?"
I know I am a woman on the inside, and I try to tell them it is about me making my outside match my inside. But that is not clearing it up for then they are still confused. I believe they mean no disrespect, they just want to understand. So they keep asking the same themed questions over and over. I feel I must not be explaining it clear enough.
Is this typical for people who are coming out? Or are my friends and family being to nosy? Does anybody have a good simple answer to help me explain what I am going through to non transsexual people?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Would you leave your spouse if they were diagnosed with gender dsyphoria?
If your husband or wife told you that the consular they had been seeing had diagnosed them with gender dsyphoria. (Meaning they were a transsexual but had not start to transition.) Would you stay with them or would you leave? Which ever you would do please explain why?
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