Saturday, November 20, 2010

First Trip to the Electrolysis

I had my first electrolysis treatment last week. The tech was very sweet to me; I think she could tell that I was quite nervous. She explained to me how the procedure worked and that we could stop at any time. It did not hurt as much as I thought it would. My session lasted about an hour. The biggest disappointment came when the tech told me it would take about a year to get rid of all my facial hair. Inside I just wanted to cry, I want it all gone now, no I wanted it all gone twenty years ago, but I have wanted this long what is one more year. I am eagerly looking forward to my next session, with each session I am taking a step closer to being the person I am meant to be.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Lack of Support

How do you deal with lack of support? I attend a support group for a short time until the program ran out of funding. I live in a very conservative area and moving is not an option. For me I have started writing which has helped some. I am so tried of justifying how I feel on the inside to those that are suppose to be my support network. Since I have come out to my closest family and friends, I have gotten bombarded with question like, “How do you know you are transsexual?”, “You are being selfish, think of (fill in the blank here)”, “How do you know your life will be better after you complete your transition?”, “If you go through with this I want nothing more to do with you”, “If you do this you are damming your soul to hell forever”. I just want say thanks for the support.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Shame and Embarrassment

After being in therapy over 6 years dealing with gender I should not feel ashamed about being Trans. But I do, for some reason for which I can not explain I am still embarrassed and ashamed of it at times. Which makes no logic sense to me; I now understand I was born this way. Logically I should feel no more shame than a person who is born with only one leg or any other birth defect.
When I go out I am always so careful not to be read, I just want to blend in and be treated like any other woman. It makes me feel like I am a criminal on the look out afraid somebody is going to find my secret out, expose me as fraudulent woman and whisk me off to gender jail to spend all of eternity for my horrible crime. I know that is silly and ridiculous but that’s how I feel from time to time. Is that crazy or what I should know better?

Monday, November 1, 2010

A day of firsts

Today I went to a nail salon and had my very first pedicure. I was very scared and I had to muster up all the nerve I had to do it. As it turns out there was nothing to be afraid of. Everybody in the salon treated me nice. My anxiety drop and I relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to my next trip to the nail salon.
Also, today I made my first appointment with an Electrologist for two weeks from now. I am very nervous about this; questions keep running through my head, how much will it hurt? Can I afford to finish what I start? How long will it take? Will it scar my skin? For now I guess time will tell.

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