Sunday, October 31, 2010

To transition or to not transition is the question

My earliest memories in this life were of feeling like I was in the wrong body. All of my life I have wanted to be female. Seems rather a simple statement to write, but if it is such an easy statement why has it taken 45 years for me to get to the point that I can bring myself to write it down?
I struggle everyday with the question, to transition or not? There are so many factors to consider. I just want to be at peace, in my own head, I am tired of the incongruence between my head and my body. The answer would seem to be easy, I need to transition, but it is not that simple for me. The reality is if I do transition I will bring all of my family and friends along for the ride whether they want come along or not.
Factors I must consider is my marriage to my wife, whom I am very much still in love with. Will she leave me? What about my four year old son? My son adores me, follows me around, and mimics everything I do. Will I lose getting to see him every day? Will he lose having a positive male role model in his life? Will he be teased and bullied growing up with trans-father? Will I lose my job? How will I pay for transition without a job, huh how will I pay for it with a job, health insurance will not cover it. Am I health enough to survive it?
In addition, I live in an ultra-conservative state. I grow up here my family and friends live here; so moving is not an option for me. In the past trans-people have been assaulted even murdered here, will I be putting myself in harm’s way? Will I have put my family in harm’s way?
Will I ever be passable? I have a large masculine body, deep voice, and lumbering walk. I worry that I will never pass as a natural woman. Just how much can surgery and hormones change? That feeds into my dilemma if I will never be passable then what have I gained by transition?
All I know is that I feel like I am living my life in gender HELL. I can fake acting like the typical male with the best of them but it feels wrong like an act. All the while I must keep repressing my inner true self who wants to be expressed but does not know how. All I want is to be genuinely feminine to be loved and to love, to live in peace the rest of my days.

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