Kellie's Views

First Trip to the Electrolysis

2010-11-20T11:18:00.000-06:00

I had my first electrolysis treatment last week. The tech was very sweet to me; I think she could tell that I was quite nervous. She explained to me how the procedure worked and that we could stop at any time. It did not hurt as much as I thought it would. My session lasted about an hour. The biggest disappointment came when the tech told me it would take about a year to get rid of all my facial hair. Inside I just wanted to cry, I want it all gone now, no I wanted it all gone twenty years ago, but I have wanted this long what is one more year. I am eagerly looking forward to my next session, with each session I am taking a step closer to being the person I am meant to be.

Lack of Support

2010-11-04T21:47:00.002-05:00

How do you deal with lack of support? I attend a support group for a short time until the program ran out of funding. I live in a very conservative area and moving is not an option. For me I have started writing which has helped some. I am so tried of justifying how I feel on the inside to those that are suppose to be my support network. Since I have come out to my closest family and friends, I have gotten bombarded with question like, “How do you know you are transsexual?”, “You are being selfish, think of (fill in the blank here)”, “How do you know your life will be better after you complete your transition?”, “If you go through with this I want nothing more to do with you”, “If you do this you are damming your soul to hell forever”. I just want say thanks for the support.

Shame and Embarrassment

2010-11-02T21:34:00.000-05:00

After being in therapy over 6 years dealing with gender I should not feel ashamed about being Trans. But I do, for some reason for which I can not explain I am still embarrassed and ashamed of it at times. Which makes no logic sense to me; I now understand I was born this way. Logically I should feel no more shame than a person who is born with only one leg or any other birth defect.
When I go out I am always so careful not to be read, I just want to blend in and be treated like any other woman. It makes me feel like I am a criminal on the look out afraid somebody is going to find my secret out, expose me as fraudulent woman and whisk me off to gender jail to spend all of eternity for my horrible crime. I know that is silly and ridiculous but that’s how I feel from time to time. Is that crazy or what I should know better?

A day of firsts

2010-11-01T20:17:00.001-05:00

Today I went to a nail salon and had my very first pedicure. I was very scared and I had to muster up all the nerve I had to do it. As it turns out there was nothing to be afraid of. Everybody in the salon treated me nice. My anxiety drop and I relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to my next trip to the nail salon.
Also, today I made my first appointment with an Electrologist for two weeks from now. I am very nervous about this; questions keep running through my head, how much will it hurt? Can I afford to finish what I start? How long will it take? Will it scar my skin? For now I guess time will tell.

To transition or to not transition is the question

2010-10-31T19:52:00.002-05:00

My earliest memories in this life were of feeling like I was in the wrong body. All of my life I have wanted to be female. Seems rather a simple statement to write, but if it is such an easy statement why has it taken 45 years for me to get to the point that I can bring myself to write it down?
I struggle everyday with the question, to transition or not? There are so many factors to consider. I just want to be at peace, in my own head, I am tired of the incongruence between my head and my body. The answer would seem to be easy, I need to transition, but it is not that simple for me. The reality is if I do transition I will bring all of my family and friends along for the ride whether they want come along or not.
Factors I must consider is my marriage to my wife, whom I am very much still in love with. Will she leave me? What about my four year old son? My son adores me, follows me around, and mimics everything I do. Will I lose getting to see him every day? Will he lose having a positive male role model in his life? Will he be teased and bullied growing up with trans-father? Will I lose my job? How will I pay for transition without a job, huh how will I pay for it with a job, health insurance will not cover it. Am I health enough to survive it?
In addition, I live in an ultra-conservative state. I grow up here my family and friends live here; so moving is not an option for me. In the past trans-people have been assaulted even murdered here, will I be putting myself in harm’s way? Will I have put my family in harm’s way?
Will I ever be passable? I have a large masculine body, deep voice, and lumbering walk. I worry that I will never pass as a natural woman. Just how much can surgery and hormones change? That feeds into my dilemma if I will never be passable then what have I gained by transition?
All I know is that I feel like I am living my life in gender HELL. I can fake acting like the typical male with the best of them but it feels wrong like an act. All the while I must keep repressing my inner true self who wants to be expressed but does not know how. All I want is to be genuinely feminine to be loved and to love, to live in peace the rest of my days.

Why are transsexuals so hated?

2009-02-22T22:14:00.004-06:00

Why are transsexuals so hated?

(Especially, by the conservative right?)

What have transsexual done to merit such scorn?

I am a transsexual myself (M to F), I didn't ask for this. I have tried every thing to make my gender dsyphoria go away, nothing worked. The only thing that has brought me a small measure of peace was accepting that I was born this way. I was born with a female brain trapped inside a male body. So each day I wake up and try to be the best person I can be, I mind my own business, I work hard, I pray to god and I love my family. But everyday that I step out of my house as my true self, I get rude comments, snickers, pointing, looking at me, threats and more, where ever I go. And if that is not enough to put up with, try looking for a new job as a transexual?

Since I came out as my true self I have been fired, and not rehired for any job not even one I am over qualified for. Why?

Is it to much to expect, to make a living and live my life in peace in 2009, I mean sometimes I feel like I am living in the 1950s.

Why is it ok in Western Society for women to wear men's clothing and TABOO when men wear women's clothing?

2009-01-22T16:06:00.004-06:00

Ever wonder; why it is ok in Western Society for women to wear men's clothing and TABOO when men wear women's clothing?

Why do you think Western Society is like that?

Is it because Western Society is a male dominated society, and thus must treat anything feminine as being inferior?

I find this weird because not too long ago in Western Society men wore clothing that would be considered "feminine" by today standards.

Is it comfort? Suggesting that all women’s clothing is uncomfortable so they are forced to wear men’s clothes for comfort?

Is it homophobia? A man wearing a skirt must be gay?

Is it religion? Some religions state that men should not wear women’s clothing. Again, looking to history (not that long ago) what was consider acceptable macho male attire would be consider very feminine today.

It just seems that this is an unfair double standard in Western Society that we just keep accepting and passing on from one generation to the next.

What do you think?

How do you explain transsexualism to non transsexual people?

2008-12-15T13:35:00.000-06:00

I have started slowly coming out to close friends and family. But as I do they keep asking me the same themed questions asked over and over again.

"How do you know you are a transsexual?"
"Whats makes you think you are a transsexual?"
"What do you think you can do as a women that you can't do as a man?"
"I just don't understand."
"You are too masculine you will never pass as a woman so why try?"

I know I am a woman on the inside, and I try to tell them it is about me making my outside match my inside. But that is not clearing it up for then they are still confused. I believe they mean no disrespect, they just want to understand. So they keep asking the same themed questions over and over. I feel I must not be explaining it clear enough.

Is this typical for people who are coming out? Or are my friends and family being to nosy? Does anybody have a good simple answer to help me explain what I am going through to non transsexual people?

Would you be upset if you found out that your neighbor was a transsexual?

2008-12-10T09:52:00.000-06:00

What would you do if you found out that your neighbor was a transsexual?
1. Would you stop speaking to your transsexual neighbor?
2. Would you tell the rest of the neighbor hood?
3. Would you be afraid to let your children play outside?
4. Would you stop letting your children play with your transsexual neighbor’s children?
5. Would you try to get the neighbor hood association to bring legal action against your transsexual neighbor?
6. Would you accuse your transsexual neighbor of bring down the neighbor’s property value?
7. Would you vandalize your transsexual neighbor’s property?
8. Would you tell your transsexual neighbor, they are breaking Gods law at she is going straight to hell for all eternity?

What would you do ???

Now consider what would you do if you’re the transsexual?

Would you leave your spouse if they were diagnosed with gender dsyphoria?

2008-12-08T16:32:00.000-06:00

If your husband or wife told you that the consular they had been seeing had diagnosed them with gender dsyphoria. (Meaning they were a transsexual but had not start to transition.) Would you stay with them or would you leave? Which ever you would do please explain why?